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痛苦让人文思泉涌

我的日记已经封存很久了。

我也很久没有再提笔写信。

熬过了我难以支撑的那段时间,我现在没有再写日记了。

24年春季过渡夏季时,因为某些原因,我少了很多时间写日记。

于是我开始抽空写信,一封封不会寄出去的信。

那时候擡头一看,教室里的倒计时一天天在减少,那是我第无数次叹气——

时间太快。

不知道什麽时候染上的失眠。

在不知所措中,我的失眠竟也慢慢减轻了些,或许因为太累,或许因为有许多事堆在心里。

像是漂浮在水面的浮萍,无依无靠。

急匆匆的像是机械般完成什麽任务,却不知道自己在做什麽。

好像,一直都是这麽迷茫。

我没有很伟大的梦想,我只想普普通通。

但求一日过一日的清闲。

我想不做点什麽来转移我的注意力我会更加心烦意乱。

我时常会想念小时候的自己——

那时什麽都不在意的我怎麽越长大越不知方向。

我是什麽时候,因为什麽,而变得与小时候的我背道而驰呢?

这个答案一直未果。

倘若有时光机,我想我一定不愿意回到过去。

我想我的下意识里在逃避。

逃避我面对的一切,恐惧未知。

亲爱的不知名女士,小时候的你会怪长大的我吗?

小时候写在同学录里的“天天开心”

,长大竟成了最难得的祝福。

或许因为我不愿痛苦的活着。

佛祖会保佑我吗?……

我不是一个很好的人,常常会有厌恶世界的想法。

我想我也许不是一个天生的乐观主义者。

若是要吹暴风,请把我吹到另一个世界——

一个我理想的极乐主义世界。

因为,我不是一个很好的人。

(写于2024年4月27日)

我频繁提笔的那两年实在不好过。

现在落笔敲下这段文字时,我手边堆着那时写过的信。

现在的我看着那些文字,竟然生出一丝陌生。

愣神的那瞬间我惊觉——

短短两年我竟然变了许多。

再次感谢一直陪在我身边的好友。

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